


these are the places i will always go.

by commonemergency



Category: Dan Howell & Phil Lester - Fandom, Phan, dan howell/phil lester - Fandom
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Family Issues, Fluff, Love, M/M, angst if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 05:00:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11593452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commonemergency/pseuds/commonemergency
Summary: "If it were the last few days on earth where would you want to spend it?" Dan eventually asks, thinking back to that story with Martyn and Phil.Phil thinks, and then says, "Well I guess it'd be here. With my family and you. What about you?"Or the one where Dan goes with Phil to the Isle of Man and thinks about what family means to him.





	these are the places i will always go.

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this in March. I never finished it, I forgot about it until about a week ago when I stumbled across notes for this story in my notes, it was pieces of dialogue that I really liked and wanted to put into a story of some sort. I went to the beach this weekend and that was where I wanted most of the scenes near the end to happen so I continued writing it again. 
> 
> I don't claim to know about Dan's relationship with his family other than what he's said in liveshows etc. 
> 
> This was originally supposed to be during Phil's birthday when they were all together so this fits somewhere in there.

**i.**

The days spent in Isle of Man are slow days filled with lots of laughter, wine, naps, food, and long walks. It’s early morning and Dan had woken up needing to use the restroom. He tried going back to sleep after- it just wasn’t happening. Dan looked over at Phil who was borderline snoring, hugging the small throw pillow that he insisted on having for his neck for “extra comfort” but in reality it was just something that Dan found in odd places during the night. It wasn’t the best of sleep, but it was always a little hard for him to sleep in a place that wasn’t their home.

He grabbed his phone off the charger and took a picture of Phil holding the pillow and then sent it to him so he could see it when he woke up.

_hope he treated you better than i could xx_

_dick (:_

_lol_

He smiled to himself and walked into the living room. 

“Good morning, Daniel,” Kathryn called from the kitchen, he could hear her washing dishes from last night’s dinner. 

“Oh, hello, uh, good morning.” he smiles politely, and then yawns which makes Kathryn chuckle. 

“I made some coffee,” she gets a mug out and Dan walks to her, waiting as she pours the liquid in the cup and reaching in the cupboards for the sugar. 

“We have almond milk for you,” her smile is sweet with excitement, he guesses it’s for Phil’s lactose intolerance.

“Oh, wow. Thank you so much,” his laugh is quiet but he grabs the almond milk pouring it into his mug, and she takes it from him, making herself a second cup of coffee. 

It’s a foggy morning, the rain is supposed to come late afternoon or tonight. Everything seems to come slow here, it gives Dan time to think, which is both freeing and slightly terrifying. 

“Want to help me make breakfast?” Kathryn’s voice is soft and welcoming, he sees parts of Phil in her and it’s charming, how could he say no? 

He’s mid sip when she asked, but he nods his head, “Sure. I can’t promise that it’ll taste very good, but I’ll help.” 

He looks at the time and it’s almost seven in the morning. Kathryn looks at the clock herself and grabs a mug from the shelf, it’s one Dan recognizes. Phil bought it for his dad near Seven Dials; it was expensive but Phil thought it looked cool. Safe to say it was a good Father’s Day present. 

He doesn’t quite understand why she grabbed another mug until he hears someone quite literally shuffling into the kitchen. 

“Morning,” Mr. Lester yawns and is handed the mug and the dots connect with Dan. 

“You’re about a few minutes early, darling,” Kathryn looks fondly at her husband and Dan feels like he’s interrupted something special. Yet it’s just coffee. 

“Good morning Dan! I see she’s got you working on breakfast,” he pats Dan’s arm, passing him and grabbing the newspaper from the counter and he goes outside. Dan thinks it's rather cold outside to be reading the paper, but he seems pretty content. 

Dan couldn’t help but smile to himself. The Lester’s had always felt like home in the way where they had habits, morning routines and traditions, much like Dan and Phil do back in London -- but for Dan it was learned over the course of knowing Phil. 

The only real tradition Dan’s family had was celebrating birthdays and holidays -- otherwise it didn’t matter or wasn’t important. So it wasn’t that big of a deal, but watching how the Lester’s acted, how they had their small quirky things that made up them, Dan wished he had something like that growing up for a brief moment. It was like a memory he wished he had; an ache for that kind of belonging. 

**ii.**

Dan grabs the eggs and a bowl while she started with the bacon. It didn’t require a lot of talking, a few excuse me’s were said, but Dan eventually started to hum a tune from a recent soundtrack while Kathryn bobbed her head to the song. After a while their hums started to sound like old nursery rhymes. 

“When Phil was a little boy he couldn’t go to sleep unless we sang to him,” she chuckles, both of them taking turns to make pancake batter and putting biscuits in the oven. 

Dan’s laugh is gentle, he shakes his head at the thought. “What a demanding little bugger,” his voice is fond, thinking of a tiny Phil underneath his colourful covers with his probably mismatching pajamas, having his mum and dad singing him to sleep because he couldn’t bare to part a night without traditions. It was innocent and juvenile, but Dan understood it in a way and appreciated it. 

“He’s still a little bugger.” Kathryn winks, dripping the batter into the pan, “Did your mum ever sing you to sleep?” she looks up at him with that Phil-like grin and he has to look away for a moment. 

Dan pursues his lips and laughs like he always does when someone asks him a question that’s borderline personal but doesn’t want to be rude and not answer it. 

“Uh, no I don’t really recall my parents singing me to sleep. They were pretty busy when I was growing up. But, um, they let me read longer than usual before bed.” Dan smiles at her and tries to work on something else while he lets that thought marinate. 

She takes it, and doesn’t say anything else, just a simple nod of the head, there’s not much to be said about absent parents that might love their child but don’t know exactly _how._ To Dan it wasn’t that big of a deal, it didn’t hurt anymore, it only did when he thought about it too much but he didn’t really know what he was missing until he was here. He loved his parents. He did. He loved them. 

By the time breakfast is done, Martyn and Cornelia have woken up and had their morning coffee over the TV and Phil has yet to make his appearance this morning as his mother puts it. Last night Dan and Phil stayed up to edit a few videos, and there was a bit of wine last night but not enough to sleep in this late, but it must be nice, being able to relax and sleep in a little longer, they didn’t really have commitments today. Dan couldn’t blame him. 

**iii.**

Everyone other than Phil had eaten breakfast and Dan thought it would be a good time to get a breath of fresh air, go outside for a bit before it started to rain again, it was now overcast, the fog going away to reveal the gray sky. He had quietly grabbed his coat and put his shoes on and his phone and walked out the front of the house and walk towards the path that overlooked the ocean. He tripped on a few rocks which he expected, he hadn’t fallen like he did during Phil’s birthday, he had a chuckle over that. 

With earbuds in and hands in his pocket he thought of how nice this was, maybe he should go on walks more, get some more exercise, but in London it was hard, kind of crippling almost for him to go out and just walk around without getting recognized or noticed and stopped. He didn’t mind it a lot of the time, but there were some bad mental health days for Dan and he knew that the one day he was going to have a bad mental health day and went for a walk and that would be the day that he runs into everyone. He has ways of handling that but it didn’t make it any easier. 

It was such an odd thing to think about, a couple years ago, before his Youtube career had blown up, he was just no one. And sometimes he wanted to be no one again, but that came with a lot of ramifications. He’d have to go back to school and that thought didn’t seem appealing since he hated school, he always knew that it never was for him. He supposes that when he questions things like that, it’s out of just that feeling of helplessness that he gets sometimes, when it all gets to be too much, and people have those days, but they’re especially hard for him when it comes to important life dates. 

His brother’s birthday was today. His mum had texted him a couple nights ago asking him if he was coming down for it. He had already planned coming here with Phil and if Dan was being honest- going back to Wokingham didn’t seem all that appealing to him at the time, and deep down he knew that his mother knew that he wouldn’t. Yet there was a guilty feeling that he held deep inside of him. He liked to project that blame on his parents, on his childhood of never having enough. Not enough love, attention, affection. Just not _enough._ It took him probably too many years to realize that, even if he always _felt_ it somewhere deep inside him.

Dan’s fingers skim over his brother’s contact in his phone and he sighs, locking up his phone and putting it back in his pocket. When he looks up he sees a woman and her dog sort of doing a jog, she tips her hat to him as they pass each other and he smiles a bit but he can’t really focus because there’s a tiny pit of nausea that he’s feeling right now and he knows it’s not from breakfast. 

One of Dan’s memories that he kept away for a rainy day was actually with Bangy and Adrian. 

Dan was supposed to go with Adrian for a walk with the dog, it was one of the chores that Dan had that Adrian wanted because it required going out of the house for about half hour and involved the dog and what’s not to love about that? After fighting with his mum about it he ended up going with Adrian and the dog on the walk. He was scowling at his mother as he grabbed his coat and walked out with his waiting brother. The thing was -- him and his brother were a lot alike, both were quiet, but Adrian was a bit more outgoing than Dan. 

They didn’t really talk but Adrian would say something to the dog, telling him to slow down, and yanking on his collar if he was sniffing someone’s flowers for too long and Dan was on his phone talking to his girlfriend and complaining that he had to go on this dumb walk with his brother who was probably (in Dan’s eyes) old enough to go by himself. While his girlfriend tried to tell him that it was kind of cute, and give it a chance, he may like it, he sighed and stuffed his phone back in his pocket. Not the answer he wanted. 

“Do you think I’m a twat?” Adrian asks out of a long silence. Dan’s never heard the word come out of his brother’s mouth before he doesn’t know what to say or if he should even laugh at it, but he knows that he’s probably looking at his brother shocked. He can’t tell. 

“W- where did you even hear that word?” Dan’s always tried to be good around his brother and not say anything too crude but he’s sure that he’s slipped that word out a couple of times. 

“My mates at school call each other that, it’s pretty funny actually. They said it means v-” Dan places a hand over his brother’s mouth as they pass by an older couple going on their nightly walk. 

“If you’re gonna say something you should know what it means,” Dan wipes his hand on his jeans and looks at his brother. “And no, I don’t think you’re a twat. Why would you think that?” His phone vibrates in his pocket but he doesn’t really care to answer it. 

Bangy pees on a tree and Adrian giggles a little because at Adrian’s age things like that are funny while Dan resists to roll his eyes at his little brother. “I dunno,” Adrian finally says, “you’re always annoyed at me for something,” Well. He wasn’t lying. Dan wished he knew why he was so angry at Adrian, or just having a general annoyance towards his brother. 

Some days were good, when Dan and Adrian would be playing DDR together, and Dan would win and rub it in his brother’s face but then immediately saying that they could play again, Adrian just has to get good at it. And maybe when they’re older Adrian will win and make Dan proud. 

“I’m your big brother. I’m supposed to be annoyed at you,” Dan smirks at him and Adrian doesn’t understand- instead he just continues walking with his brother. 

“Archie gets along with his brother. They’re always going to London together,” 

Dan sighs. “That’s because they’re close in age and Archie’s family has a lot of money and can afford the train tickets to London.” Dan and Erin had to save for months to go to London and it was only for a day. Adrian shrugs again. 

“You think when we’re older we’ll like each other more?” They’re nearing the park now and Adrian just seems to be quite fired up today. It’s unusual. 

“Yeah. Yeah I think we will.” Dan messes with Adrian’s hair and he laughs, pushing Dan away. 

Dan’s train of thought is interrupted by the sound of his phone going off numerous of times. _Sleeping beauty is finally awake,_ He thinks.

_I’M SORRY I FELL ASLEEP FOR SO LONG_

_Where r u_

_Dan_

_Dan_

_DAN_

_DANIEL._

_I didn’t mean to cheat on you with the pillow ):_

A picture is attached of Phil in his pyjamas and the pillow on the ground and Phil pointing at it in shame. Dan snorts. 

_chill out i went on a walk_

_i’m turning around and coming back tho_

When Dan steps through the door Phil is sat at the table with a bowl of cereal and some toast and a cup of coffee, his hair is a bit outrageous and all over the place but it’s actually pretty cute to Dan. 

“Sleep well?” Dan takes a seat next to Phil, and he yawns. He didn’t even walk that far but it was enough to tire him out a little, plus it was cold. 

“I slept really well. I want to write a book about it,” Phil takes another bite of cereal. 

“AmazingSleepingPhil,” Dan suggests and Phil scrunches his nose. 

“Don’t think it’ll stick,” 

“Bummer,” 

Dan looks at Phil for a long moment and then smiles. “Martyn and Cornelia are down at the shops I think,” 

“Yeah? Want to join them?” 

Dan gives Phil a look and Phil nods his head. They’ll just watch a movie instead. 

**iv.**

Dan naps into Phil’s side as they watch a movie. He didn’t last that long before drifting off to sleep and neither did Phil. Though about an hour into the nap Phil’s arm had fallen asleep and he was quite uncomfortable so he had tried his best to straighten up while still holding Dan to him. He ran a hand up and down Dan’s arm and focused his eyes on the screen now. 

The door opens and Kathryn comes bringing cookies she made earlier. She smiles at the scene and places them on the bedside table and walks back out. Phil is determined to get the cookie. In fact, he would say that he needs the cookie, he reaches over trying his best not to wake Dan up or move to where Dan’s head would drop and use his long arms to grab one of the cookies, he feels like it’s going to work until it doesn’t. With half of his body hanging off the bed he can knows that Dan had slipped and he can tell by a slight groan escaping Dan’s lips and a loud breath of air. 

“What are you doing?” Dan’s voice is hoarse and Phil finally reaches the cookie and tries to get back as gracefully as he can. 

“I was trying to get a cookie, it didn’t work out as planned,” He holds the cookie up to show Dan and then shoves it into his mouth. 

“You’re the worst,” Dan groans into a pillow before eventually sitting up and rubbing his eyes. The rain had been on and off the past couple of hours, Martyn and Cornelia had come back from the shops when the rain had started to come down hard. Phil’s favourite people were all in one place for a little getaway, and it had felt good. He felt warm. 

**v.**

Phil helps make dinner and Dan watches the news with Phil's dad and Martyn and Cornelia. It's still light out, the sun will be setting soon and Dan kind of wants to go on a walk again. He's done a good job of ignoring the gnawing feeling he has inside of him. He's not hungry, he hasn't had an appetite all day, actually. ad he knows deep down that he wants to talk to Phil but there's that hesitation that he's felt ever since he was a little kid, too afraid to talk to people about things that bother him because he didn't want to be told to be quiet. It's a thing that's been learned. 

"Dinner's ready!" Phil calls, and they all get up and laugh at the fact that he's wearing an apron. Dan pokes his side when he passes him and grabs a plate. 

The conversation at dinner is light, there's laughter and wine to go with the sunday roast, stories about Martyn and Phil's childhood that Dan and Cornelia have heard before in the comforts of their own homes, but they still grin and giggle because it's a safe environment free of judgment but a little bit of teasing. 

**vi.**

After dinner Dan asks Phil to go on a walk, the rain has finally stopped and the sun is setting. With jackets, mittens, and hats they walk out to the path Dan has took this morning. 

"Was the food good?" Phil had always said he wanted to attempt to make a Sunday roast but didn't have much confidence to do it. it with his mother, he looks to Dan who's a bit lost in thought but Dan smiles. 

"Yeah, it was alright," he teases, his dimple makes it obvious. 

Dan and Phil hear laughter and look behind them to see Martyn and Cornelia, hands held together, they wave. 

"When we would come here to visit our grandparents, Martyn and I had always thought that if the world was ending this would be like the last place the aliens or whatever would check since, to us at the time, seemed so isolated. And we thought that we'd have time to gather all our friends and family on this isle and start our own colony," Phil's hand brushes against Dan and it's enough. 

"Did you and Martyn fight a lot?" 

"I mean, we got annoyed with each other sometimes but I guess compared to some siblings we were pretty close," 

They come to a stop, and walk over near the cliffs, below is a little beach area, though the tide has covered most of it like a blanket. The sky is purple and pink and orange, though the clouds are heavy, but there's still the splashes of colour. Martyn and Cornelia catch up with them but ahead of them. 

"I'd like to grow old here," Dan says after a comfortable silence. 

"Would you?" Phil chuckles a little, "It's nothing like London. It'd take some getting used to," Phil always found himself missing London's busyness and even sound sometimes. 

"Yeah. It'd be nice." Dan looks for a comfortable place to sit, regardless of the wet rocks, his jacket is long enough to cover his butt, and Phil does the same. 

"It's my brothers birthday," 

"Oh," and then Phil gets it. He watches Dan while Dan watches the waves of the ocean. Phil looks over at the path and then removes his hand from his mittens and takes Dan's hand and removes it too. 

"I can't believe you're making my poor hands suffer in the cold just because you want to hold my hand," 

"Shut up," there's the dimple. 

There were limits when it came to their relationship with their audience, and they had been crossed, a long time ago, and they don't talk about it. Now in passing Dan's brother is referred to as just _"someone"_ or _"a family member"_ and there's almost a forced distance. There has to be. In the beginning it had started as a way of protection and then the distance became more than just miles apart, it was almost nonexistent. Of course there was the occasional text message, _"are you coming home?"_ and then _"no"_ and _"okay"_. 

"Did you tell him happy birthday?"

"No." 

"That's okay- I mean. There's time. If you wanted to,"

_If he wanted to._

"We don't hate each other. We don't even _dislike_ each other. We just. We exist. or- we know that the other exists in this life- our life- but we don't really do much about it other than just. exist." Dan didn't know how to describe it to Phil. He didn't know if it even made sense. That was the problem with Dan, he had tried his best to articulate exactly what he was feeling with his words but there wasn't words to explain what he was feeling. It was just like the sound of static, when a channel cuts in and out and you see the screen flicker, and  
sometimes you get something, but more often than not it's nothing but the sound of static. That was his brother, or maybe his relationship with his family, he didn't know. 

"I'd adopt you into my family, but that'd be incest. So I think you should marry me instead," 

Dan looks at Phil again and he can't keep a smile off his face. 

"I thought I was proposing to you," Dan squeezes Phil's hand and they both laugh. 

"You are. I’m just... hurrying the process by suggesting it." 

Dan smiles slightly. There's more silence, and hand holding as the sun disappears and it's civil twilight. 

"If it _were_ the last few days on earth where would you want to spend it?" Dan eventually asks, thinking back to that story with Martyn and Phil.

Phil thinks, and then says, "Well I guess it'd be here. With my family and you. What about you?"

Dan thought about it for a moment before he shrugged. "Where you go I go." Phil doesn't say, _wouldn't you want to spend it with your family?_

He knows the answer. They have each other, and he'd rather be here. Phil was family too. And he accepted that a long time ago. 

"What would we do with our time?" Phil's thumb massages the skin it can reach.

"I don't know. Have a lot of sex, play board games with your family, walk the beach one last time, pet a few dogs, eat a couple pizzas, write a note to those who may come after us." 

Phil nods his head, content with the answer, "That sounds good to me," 

In the distance he can see Martyn and Cornelia jumping and taking pictures and laughing. Dan and Phil get up from the rocks, wiping their butts and grabbing the mittens that phil took off and they put them back on. 

Phil starts to walk towards Martyn and Cornelia when Dan pulls him back to him. Phil raises an eyebrow questioning his motive but dan smiles, moving in closer to him, and their noses graze the other before Dan kisses him. It's a soft sweet kiss that says, _thank you for listening, and for being there._

Phil jogs a little to catch up to the two and Dan says he'll be there in a second. 

He gets his phone out of his pocket and takes a deep breath. 

_happy birthday! xx_

It's small, but it's a start. 

"Hurry up!" He can hear Phil from a distance and Dan laughs and flips him off. "I'm coming, I'm coming!" 

When he does catch up with them they're laughing at how the last time they were here Dan fell down the hill and Dan laughs. Yeah, he was good right here.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments/Kudos appreciated! 
> 
> Talk to me on tumblr/twitter: @nihilismdan


End file.
